24

I turned 24 today, and I must admit, despite the drop in temperature and the shorter days, my birthday has caught me by surprise.

20-freaking-4!

I feel… old. The new song “Live While We’re Young” popped up on youtube, and I was overcome with this sense that maybe, just maybe, I’ve missed my chance to be crazy and fun and innocent and free. I’m already… old. This has put me in somewhat of a stupor these past few days as I ask myself again and again, “Who do you want to be?”

Growing up, I never pictured myself at age 24, nomadic, with no immediate plans, reading and meditating, dreaming up different jobs and trying on possible futures. Just five years ago, I knew I would go to college so I could then move to Africa and start a home for children and be a physician. Now, I want to do it all. I want to be here. I want to be in France. I want to be in Haiti and somewhere in Africa. Thank goodness I haven’t visited East Asia or the West Coast or I might want to be there too.

Putting location aside, my ideal self… who is she? I want to be a healer; a midwife; a photographer; a painter; a writer; a massage therapist; a yoga instructor; a nutritionist; a conservationist; a lover, a mother, a sister, and friend.

So tell me, where do I go now? What do I do?

I am asking myself as much as I am asking you. And my inner self shows me I already know the answer, which comes to me in images: I am hiking, exploring, and doing yoga. I am with a baby, a bundle of kids, teaching them the joy that is found in kindness. I am with a tripod and camera; I am setting up a scene. There’s a studio: white walls and wood floors, full of light.

I named this chapter of my life “A Wild Soul” because it is something I know to be true. I am a wild soul: vulnerable, powerful, open, full of beauty and mystery. Wild as in natural and free. It is the way I want to be.

For years, I have wanted to dive deeper into writing and photography to explore all that makes us human and this planet sacred. But, for years, I have hidden my interests in fear. (Of what? Of embarrassing and offending my more conservative friends and family). I’m not sure I can conquer my insecurities alone and so, with this journal, I am reaching out to you. This is my experiment. My hypothesis? Sharing my journey can help the person I know already exists inside shine through.

I will be telling you my goals so that you can keep me accountable. Give me feedback; criticize and support; help me do better.

* I have kept an online journel for the past 9 years (on livejournal, deadjournal, and greatestjournal). I am not worried that my life is available for all to find, should they search. People’s truths seep out through their eyes, can be seen in the flutter of their hands, experienced via the energy their body radiates. And so, this is me. I am always looking for friends who are on a similar journey; please be in touch.

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